Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Battling the Bulge

Domestic engineering duty from time to time may require some physical re-engineering. Domestic guys might need to shape up or face a bride telling us to ship out. If she is your ATM, accommodations must be made. Even worse, if, after your last physical, your doctor sent you an email saying, "Lose weight or die - - strong letter to follow", you may need some intervention, or hippo surgery. (That's my name for bypass surgery. Anyone who looks like a hippo, needs their food channel rearranged.)

Five years ago, I launched a battle against my bulge. I had tipped (over) the scales at 220. At 5' 11' that didn't make me fat, or so I thought. My kids weren't calling me Puff Daddy. Airlines weren't charging me for two seats. I didn't have to lie down after lacing my shoes. I could touch my toes without bending my knees. I had never been asked to be a sun blocker at the beach. I have fat femurs, not thunder thighs.

Then some very evil person invented a new weight scale called the Body Mass Index (BMI). According to this new natural law, I was obese at 220 pounds. Further infuriating, this new scale scion fixed my frame's high end at 179 pounds, meaning I could lose 30 pounds and still be overweight. I can think of other meanings for BMI, but I'd settle for its creator's forced consorting with a pile of Pacific walruses.

The seriously obese, like those competitors on The Biggest Loser reality series have it made - sort of. Those initial pounds disappear faster than my son when asked to take out the garbage. I have taken my sweet time on my way to at least a 30-pound weight loss. Who wants to give up sweets? Losing weight is not a pile of giggles, and it is very hard on our scales. The first 10 pounds were relatively easy, as was the second, though a bit tougher with age 50 in my rear view mirror. The last ten have become very clingy. No doubt they are confused, having bonded with me for so long.

See if your experience compares to mine.
1. Look at pasta, or a potato - gain half a pound.
2. Eat two cups of pasta, or a potato - gain two pounds.
3. Drive by a McDonald's and think about eating a Big Mac and fries - gain a pound.
4. Eat a Big Mac and fries - gain three pounds.
5. Drink 8 glasses of water in a day - gain a pound.
6. Drink two martinis, or two glasses of wine in a day - gain two pounds.
7. Walk a mile - stay even.
8. Reduce daily calorie intake to 1200 - stay even.
9. Fast for a day - stay even.
10. Run a marathon - lose a pound.

The answer seems obvious. A week-long weight-loss program might look like this:
Monday - consume 1200 calories
Tuesday - consume 1200 calories
Wednesday - fast
Thursday - consume 1200 calories
Friday - consume 1200 calories
Saturday - run a marathon
Sunday - fast
For the next ten weeks - rinse, repeat.

Too bad we can't talk our HMOs into a monthly colonoscopy.

I'll get back to you on my progress. Meanwhile I hear a good Sears' scale costs around 50 bucks.


Corkey said...

Keith -
...and another thing, where are the Quality Inspectors at LL Bean and Dockers when they are making the size 34 waist pants?? Can't they make anything correct anymore?? My guess is that they are made in Asia somewhere and they are using the metric system!!

Corkey (LHS 65')

L.C.McCabe said...


Thanks for putting a link on your blog to mine. I've done the same for you as well.

Did you know that if a cookie breaks in the bag that all the calories leak out? It's true.

Then there are some foods that actually have negative calories, like celery. That's because it takes more energy to chew the blessed thing than it has inherent in it. Oh, and then if you drink ice water it also has negative calories since it requires that your body heat the water inside.

Too bad we haven't figured out a way to super cool Ben and Jerry's ice cream in order to make up for its calories.

feistysideoffifty said...

Loved sharing the battle of your bulge. I've got bulges of my own and they're bursting forth with unprecedented force as I grow older.
Unfortunately, we remodeled our master bath and added a full length mirror. Big mistake!!

Corrine said...

Or you could move to Albania and lose 15 pounds in 4 months